Welcome. You’re here because you’re either procrastinating, avoiding responsibility, or pretending to work. Congratulations — you’re doing great already.
Let’s talk about life. You know, that magical experience where everyone expects you to have a five-year plan, unlimited energy, and a positive attitude before coffee. Truly inspiring.
Mornings are beautiful. The birds chirp. The sun rises. Your alarm goes off and immediately ruins everything.
They say, “Wake up early and you’ll be more productive.” That’s adorable. I wake up early and just have more time to be tired. Somehow I’m late, exhausted, and annoyed before 8 a.m., which honestly feels like an achievement.
And don’t get me started on “morning people.” I don’t trust anyone that happy before breakfast. That’s suspicious behavior.
Every day starts with a plan. A beautiful, well-organized plan. Then life happens. Or your phone happens. Or you blink and it’s suddenly three hours later and you’ve accomplished absolutely nothing except scrolling and questioning your life choices.
To-do lists are especially fun. You write them with hope. Optimism. Ambition. Then you cross off one thing and feel like you deserve a nap, a snack, and a parade.
Multitasking? Sure. I’m thinking about five things at once and finishing none of them. Efficiency.
Work meetings are fascinating. Half the people are talking, half the people are muted, and everyone is pretending this couldn’t have been an email.
Your boss asks, “Any questions?”
You have questions. So many questions. But you smile and say, “Nope, all good,” because you enjoy being employed.
The phrase “circle back” alone should come with hazard pay.
People say, “We should hang out sometime.” We won’t. But it was nice saying it.
Texting back immediately? Bold of you to assume I saw the message and didn’t need three business days to emotionally prepare.
Social batteries are real. Mine charges slowly and drains aggressively.
Self-care used to mean sleep and hydration. Now it’s a $40 candle and pretending your life is together.
Everyone online is meditating, journaling, and drinking green smoothies. Meanwhile, I’m celebrating if I remembered to eat something that wasn’t a snack.
Balance is important. That’s why I stress about relaxing.
According to social media, everyone is productive, fit, rich, and emotionally stable. Which is amazing, considering none of us actually are.
People say things like “You have the same 24 hours as Beyoncé,” which is rude and unhelpful. I do not have Beyoncé’s money, team, or motivation. I barely have clean laundry.
At night, your brain finally decides it’s time to replay every embarrassing moment you’ve ever had. From childhood. In HD.
You promise yourself tomorrow will be different. You’ll be productive. Calm. Focused.
Narrator: It was not different.
Life is chaotic. People are tired. Nobody knows what they’re doing, and the ones who say they do are lying or selling something.
So if today you survived, laughed at something dumb, or didn’t completely lose your mind — congratulations. That’s a win.
Now go rest. Or scroll. Or ignore your responsibilities just a little longer. You’ve earned it.
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