Pet Care

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Welcome to pet ownership—where your heart is full, your couch is covered in fur, and your pet believes you exist solely to serve meals on time.

If you think pet care is just “food and water,” that’s adorable. Let’s talk about what it really means to care for a pet.

Feeding Your Pet: The Daily Ritual of Judgment

Your pet knows exactly what time dinner is.
Not “around 6.”
6:00. On the dot.

Miss feeding time by two minutes and suddenly you’re:

• A monster
• Neglectful
• Possibly being discussed in group chats with other pets

Pet Feeding Rules

• Feed age-appropriate food
• Fresh water at all times
• Clean bowls (because yesterday’s crumbs are unacceptable)

Scientific Discovery:
Pets can hear food packaging from anywhere in the house, but cannot hear you say “drop it.”

Exercise & Play: Preventing Household Destruction

Dogs need walks.
Cats need chaos.

Exercise keeps pets healthy, happy, and slightly less likely to:

• Chew furniture
• Knock things off shelves
• Sprint through the house like they’re late for a meeting

A tired pet is a good pet.
A bored pet will redecorate your home using their teeth.

Grooming: A Test of Trust (and Upper Body Strength)

Grooming sounds calm until you attempt it.

Grooming Includes:

• Brushing (fur everywhere anyway)
• Bathing (immediate regret)
• Nail trimming (emotional trauma for everyone)

You will be scratched.
You will apologize.
Your pet will remember this.

Vet Visits: The Ultimate Betrayal Arc

You said, “Let’s go for a ride.”
You lied.

Vet care is essential:

• Annual checkups
• Vaccinations
• Parasite prevention

Your pet will stare out the window on the way home like they’re rethinking the relationship.

Pet-Proofing Your Home: Because Pets Are Unhinged Geniuses

Your home is not pet-proof.
It never will be.

Pets will:

• Chew cords
• Eat random objects
• Treat trash like fine dining

Hide wires. Lock cabinets. Accept chaos.

Puppies: Cute, Small, and Powered by Destruction

Puppies are tiny agents of mayhem.

They require:

• Training
• Patience
• Approximately one million potty breaks a day

They bite.
They cry.
They steal your heart and your sleep.

Senior Pets: Retired, Wise, and Always Tired

Senior pets slow down, nap more, and judge you quietly.

They need:

• Softer food
• Joint support
• Extra comfort

They’ve earned every nap.

Love & Attention: The Real Reason Pets Exist

Pets don’t care about your job, your bank account, or your life choices.

They care that:

• You’re home
• You’re sitting down
• You might drop food

They offer unconditional love, emotional support, and zero personal space.

Final Thoughts (Written by Your Pet)

You are late.
You are imperfect.
But you are theirs.

Now stop reading and give them a treat.
They’re staring at you.

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