🛒 Shopping Online: A Comedy of Errors, Emotions, and “Was This a Good Idea?”
Online shopping is not a transaction. It’s an experience—a rollercoaster of hope, denial, dopamine, and a cardboard box that smells like regret. You go in for one thing. You leave with twelve items, a mystery cable, and a deep emotional bond with your delivery driver.
Welcome to the internet mall. Please keep your arms and credit cards inside the vehicle at all times.
Step 1: “I’m Just Browsing” (A Lie We Tell Ourselves)
You open your favorite shopping app “just to look.”
Ten minutes later, you’re comparing five versions of the same product like a NASA engineer.
- This one is cheaper… but what if it explodes?
- This one is expensive… but look at that confidence.
- This one has 47,000 reviews… why are they all unhinged?
You don’t need the item.
But now?
Now it feels personal.
Step 2: Reviews That Make You Question Humanity
Product reviews are the wild west of the internet.
⭐ 5 stars:
“Changed my life. My crops are flourishing. My enemies fear me.”
⭐ 1 star:
“Arrived one minute late. I am divorcing my husband.”
And then there’s always that review:
“I haven’t used it yet, but it looks great.”
Thank you, Susan. A beacon of insight.
Step 3: The Cart of Chaos
Your cart starts reasonable.
- Toothpaste
- Socks
Then it evolves.
- LED galaxy projector
- Tactical flashlight for “emergencies”
- A shirt with a raccoon riding a shark
You don’t remember adding half of it.
The algorithm did.
And the algorithm knows you better than your family.
Step 4: Coupons That Feel Like a Game Show
You see the words:
“Apply Coupon”
Your heart rate spikes.
You apply it.
💥 $0.73 saved
You feel like a financial genius.
You immediately justify buying three more items because “I basically made money.”
Step 5: The Checkout Moment of Truth
This is where you pause.
You stare at the total.
You whisper:
“Do I really need this?”
The answer is no.
But you remember the free shipping threshold.
So you add a $4 item to save $12 on shipping.
You are now an economist.
Step 6: The Waiting Period (AKA Emotional Tracking)
Once you check out, you become obsessed.
- “Order confirmed” ✅
- “Shipped” 😌
- “Out for delivery” 👀
- “Delayed due to weather” 😡
You refresh tracking like it owes you money.
You know where the package is.
You know where the truck is.
You would fight a goose for that box.
Step 7: The Arrival (Expectation vs. Reality)
The box arrives.
It’s either:
- Way bigger than expected
- Way smaller than expected
- Or somehow both
Inside is:
- 37 feet of bubble wrap
- One item
- A sense of confusion
You open it slowly, like it might judge you.
Step 8: Trying It On (Immediate Regret Phase)
Clothes online are a gamble.
The model:
- 6’2”
- Perfect lighting
- Wind blowing for no reason
You:
- Standing in your kitchen
- Bad posture
- Eating leftovers
The item fits emotionally, not physically.
Step 9: “I’ll Return It” (You Won’t)
You tell yourself you’ll return it.
But then:
- The return label feels complicated
- The box is already in the trash
- You’re tired
- Time passes
Congratulations. You now own it forever.
Step 10: The Final Rationalization
You justify everything with:
- “It was on sale”
- “I’ll use it eventually”
- “Future me will appreciate this”
- “At least it wasn’t drugs”
And honestly?
You’re right.
The Unspoken Truth About Online Shopping
Online shopping isn’t about buying things.
It’s about:
- Hope 📦
- Entertainment 📱
- A brief sense of control 💳
- And the thrill of pretending you’re responsible
It’s modern retail therapy with free returns (sometimes).
So the next time you say, “I’m just browsing,” remember:
The internet is watching.
Your cart is filling.
And somewhere… a warehouse worker is packing a raccoon shark shirt with your name on it.
Happy shopping 😌
