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INSTAGRAM: HOW AN APP TURNED EVERYONE INTO A BRAND, A MODEL, AND A LIAR
By Staff Writers Who Haven’t Felt Joy Since the Algorithm Changed
Editor’s Note
This feature was written entirely while doom-scrolling in bed, accidentally liking a photo from 2017, and immediately considering moving to a new country under a different name.
WELCOME TO INSTAGRAM, THE GREATEST FANTASY NOVEL EVER WRITTEN
Instagram is not a social media app. It is a luxury hallucination simulator where regular people cosplay as celebrities, entrepreneurs, fitness experts, travel bloggers, relationship gurus, and emotionally stable adults.
It is the only place where:
- Everyone is hot
- Everyone is successful
- Everyone is “booked & busy”
- And nobody ever looks tired
Instagram has done what religion, therapy, and self-help books failed to do: convince millions of people that happiness is one sponsored post away.
THE FEED: A CURATED PANIC ATTACK
The Instagram feed is a vertical parade of human achievement designed to make you question every decision you’ve ever made—starting with breakfast.
You scroll past:
- Someone buying their third house at 23
- Someone “retiring early” from a job they never explain
- Someone in Bali “finding themselves”
- Someone drinking coffee in slow motion
Meanwhile, you’re wearing the same hoodie for the fourth day straight, staring into space like a Victorian orphan.
Instagram doesn’t ask, “How are you?”
It asks, “Why aren’t you better than this?”
FILTERS: A CRIME AGAINST REALITY
Instagram filters have committed crimes that will be studied in future courtrooms.
They erase:
- Pores
- Wrinkles
- Fatigue
- Accountability
There are people who look so different online that facial recognition software refuses to acknowledge them.
These filters don’t just alter appearances—they rewrite biology. Suddenly everyone has:
- Symmetrical faces
- Perfect skin
- Cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass
The mirror has become an unreliable narrator.
THE BIO: SIX WORDS OF PURE DELUSION
Instagram bios are tiny novels of self-mythology.
Common sightings include:
- “Entrepreneur” (owns a Canva account)
- “CEO” (of vibes)
- “Public Figure” (public to whom?)
- “Digital Creator” (posts screenshots)
Spiritual bios remain undefeated:
“Chosen.”
“Protected.”
“Walking in purpose.”
Their last post was a thirst trap next to a microwave.
INFLUENCERS: PROFESSIONAL EXISTERS
Influencers are people who monetized breathing.
They wake up on camera.
They stretch—sponsored.
They drink water—link in bio.
They cry—affiliate code included.
Every influencer claims:
- They’re “just being authentic”
- They “never planned for this life”
- They “only promote what they love”
Their apartment looks like an IKEA catalog married an Amazon fulfillment center.
Influencers do not sell products.
They sell the idea that your life could improve if you clicked harder.
THE COMMENT SECTION: DIGITAL THUNDERDOME
Instagram comment sections are where logic goes to die.
A video about puppies will somehow attract:
- Political arguments
- Diet debates
- Someone saying “mid”
- A man with sunglasses in his profile picture explaining why you’re wrong
There is always:
- One hater
- One defender
- One person tagging their friend aggressively
- One guy commenting 🔥🔥🔥 on a funeral post
No one logs into Instagram calm.
STORIES: THERAPY WITHOUT CONSENT
Instagram Stories are emotional drive-by shootings.
They include:
- Crying selfies with vague captions
- “I’ll explain later” (they won’t)
- Gym mirror videos with aggressive breathing
- Quote slides clearly aimed at one specific person
Stories are temporary, which makes people reckless.
Instagram Stories are for feelings you want witnessed but not addressed.
SOFT LAUNCHES: ROMANCE, BUT SHY
The soft launch is Instagram’s greatest invention.
It lets people announce:
“I am not alone anymore.”
Without showing proof.
Common tactics:
- Two drinks at dinner
- Someone else’s shoes
- A hand holding another hand
- A shadow reflection
The hard launch comes later—right before the breakup.
Then everything disappears, and a black screen appears:
“Protecting my peace.”
FITNESS INSTAGRAM: LIES WITH ABS
Fitness Instagram operates on:
- Perfect lighting
- Dehydration
- Genetics
- Photoshop
- Trauma
Every transformation promises:
“You can look like this too.”
You cannot.
That man hasn’t eaten bread since 2015 and cries when he smells pizza.
INSTAGRAM COUPLES: LOVE, BUT MAKE IT CONTENT
Instagram couples are either:
- Newly obsessed
- Overcompensating
- Five days from disaster
They post long captions about “choosing each other” while arguing off-camera about who forgot to buy oat milk.
Real love is quiet.
Instagram love is sponsored.
THE ALGORITHM: A MOODY, PETTY GOD
No one understands the algorithm.
Experts say:
- “Post consistently”
- “Actually, post randomly”
- “Reels only”
- “Photos are back”
- “Don’t use hashtags”
- “Use more hashtags”
You’ll post your best work—ignored.
You’ll post a blurry photo by accident—viral.
Instagram success is not earned.
It is granted without explanation.
WHY WE CAN’T QUIT
Everyone claims they hate Instagram.
They check it before brushing their teeth.
Instagram feeds:
- Validation
- Comparison
- Nostalgia
- Anxiety
It’s a casino where the prize is attention.
FINAL WORD: SEE YOU TOMORROW
Instagram is fake.
Instagram is exhausting.
Instagram is ridiculous.
And tomorrow, you’ll open it again.
Because somewhere between the filters, the ads, the arguments, and the soft launches… there’s a very human desire to be seen—even if it’s through a heavily edited photo with a caption you rewrote twelve times.
Instagram isn’t real life.
But unfortunately, it’s modern life.
NEXT ISSUE
- “TikTok or Therapy: Why People Would Rather Go Viral Than Heal”
- “Influencer Kitchens No One Actually Cooks In”
- “Why Everyone Is ‘Booked’ but Nobody Is Paid”
